I’m Ugly, Too

I have a friend who never called people ugly. She and I had very different ways of expressing our thoughts. Her refusal to do what I considered to be telling the truth was, perhaps, her ability to see the world subjectively. While I felt like I could categorize people as ugly without minimizing their value as human, she felt that it was wrong.“Everyone is beautiful to someone,” she would say as she smiled, shaking her head in disproval of my inflammatory mouth. I managed to see things her way and could get down with that idea, while still acknowledging the influence of conventional beauty standards.

Back in the day, we would both mock ourselves by saying, "I'm ugly," whenever we had a bad hair day or somehow disapproved of what we saw in the mirror. With exchanges like those, she unknowingly made it clear that she saw the world through the same objective lens as I did.

Beauty In a Box

Throughout history, the concept of beauty has been deeply ingrained in our society. Whether the beauty standard was created through various "isms" such as racism and consumerism, or from evolutionary studies, it is undoubtedly an ever-changing phenomenon. Though the contemporary beauty landscape is slightly different, we cannot overlook the impact of these historical standards, as they have most certainly paved the way for how we access and view beauty today.

The present day, which I like to say started when Instagram became the way of social sharing, has seen the resurgence of all things beauty become increasingly abundant. From influencer beauty tips like hair and makeup tutorials to fitness routines, suddenly everyone sought to be beautiful and demonstrated how to achieve it. However, the content being pushed was predominantly by creators who were seen as conventionally attractive or desirable. Not that this was anything new. The media was notorious for feeding images of idealism. Then a shift happened where “representation” became the theme of all beauty and perfectionism was pushed to the back. Or, so I thought.

Popular movements from the 1960s, such as "Body Positivity" and "Black is Beautiful", took social media by storm in 2017. As someone who couldn't find a place within the mainstream beauty standard, I was relieved to see that beauty didn't have to fit into a specific box. Regardless of your race, age, gender, or size, there was room for everyone in the ecosystem. At first, it was a bit refreshing to see women sporting their shape, and Black people accepting their deep skin tones. Then things began to change.

We all started to look the same.

Very quickly did the positive messages of redefining one’s beauty become obsolete. While the diversity of the people in the campaigns catered to a desire to see our images in new places, there was an underlying theme in these campaigns. And that was how to be beautiful IF you are ______ (i.e. Black, fat, non-binary).

While both movements originally aimed to empower those affected by systemic racism and desirability politics, they have both been diluted to focus on a perceived beauty and reinforce the very standards they set out to defy.

I noticed that the only acceptable woman with dark skin had clear buttery skin and hair styled with a 30-inch Brazilian weave with baby hairs. I noticed that big girls developed a more prominent posterior and had flat stomachs. I even noticed that folks in a broad category such as LGBTQIA+ started to have a specific look. In my experience, I hadn't seen many plus-size women with the same curvy figures as the models in the campaigns, and it's not because I didn't get out much. I also hadn't seen a lot of transgender folks have access to hormones that would allow them to adjust their features to match the ideal proportions depicted in these social media campaigns.

Sure, the campaigns were generally more inclusive but still failed to depict an accurate representation of the average everyday person. It seemed like the compassionate ploy of making beauty inclusive and subjective ultimately set a new and refined objective beauty standard.

Beauty did fit into a box.

Society, Beauty, and Culture

But whose fault was it really? How could I be frustrated with these advertisements when they were just doing what they were supposed to do? After all, their goal is to market to us and make money. Plus, they would not know what to advertise if we didn’t provide some sort of positive feedback. We often blame the government, corporations, and other powerful entities, saying things like, "This is what they want!" But the truth is, the "they" we often speak of is us. “They” are showing us exactly what we want to see.

As much as we love to blame things on society, we are part of it and control the beauty standard through our participation. We participate because we naturally seek community and belonging, and often succumb to societal ideals and expectations, even if those expectations revolve around individual presentation. Needless to say, the solution to the obsession with beauty is not as simple as “just log off!”

I believe that each subculture collectively shapes the standards of beauty and appropriateness within their own culture. I am not sure if this point alone proves that beauty starts as subjective and then morphs into being objective. As mentioned earlier, I never particularly saw myself reflected within the mainstream beauty standard, however, that did not mean I sat out from the beauty expectations that took place within my own culture. I like many others, got in where I could fit in.

Intentionally styled hair within Black spaces is a code. If you know, you know; the unspoken agreement that hair should be done at all times. This includes braided styles, extension weaves, twist-out natural styling, and even barber cuts. Your hair must be on point. If you breach this contract, you might face scrutiny and rejection and be seen as not adhering to the established community standards.

Something crazy happened in 2019. An H&M ad broke the internet. H&M was being crucified for showing an ad with a young Black girl whose hair appeared to be, what many of us Black folks considered, “undone”. In reality, the young girl had natural, kinky, coily hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. Her hair was just that, without the intricate styles, designs, or finishes that we were used to seeing. And most of us thought it was ugly.

We can say that respectability politics and the effects of colonization/slavery had a lot to do with the vial reactions from the Black community. However, at this time, the “Natural Hair Movement” was already well underway and Black people had been moving away from idolizing Eurocentric Beauty standards. This was more complex than “anti-Blackness” and hating a specific hair type. This outrage was the manifestation of what happens when someone, somewhere breaks the rules.

As ridiculous as it was, this story circulated the internet and made headlines for weeks! Eventually, the creative director detailed their intention to model an average, everyday kid, who was dressed comfortably, for a day at the playground. Culturally, I don’t think the explanation spoke to Black people. After all, there was nothing average about Blackness, as we have been proclaiming to be magical, royal, and excellent for years.  Sadly, people were so obsessed with the model’s appearance that we completely missed the purpose and relatability of the ad.

The uproar made me rethink my participation within this particular mainstream community beauty standard. While I was used to viewing beauty objectively, I realized, there was nothing wrong with being the average, everyday kid. I too, was just a girl on a playground.

I made a conscious effort to not participate and feed the beauty standard that had been bestowed upon me. That is not to say that I was going against the grain, just that I had the awareness not to chase it anymore. I can admit it did not come easy at first. The idea of having hair that looked unintentional was a very foreign concept to me. Eventually, I bucked the standard. While the experience has been freeing, the kids didn’t want to play with me anymore.

Moral Corruption: Is Beauty Objective or Subjective?

Mainstream beauty standards, regardless of whether they occur within our communities or not, often encourage us to constantly chase trends, most times at the expense of our well-being. It’s often marketed in a way that can make us feel more vulnerable and in a way that undermines our individuality and intelligence. If we so badly want to see a change in how beauty is served to us, we ought to start viewing it differently.

Beauty as being objective has been slightly frowned upon in today’s climate. However, we cannot negate the idea that somehow there is a fundamental way we all define beauty. Typically when referring to beauty as objective, I am just pointing out that most people would find this person or thing beautiful. To be forthright, there aren’t a lot of people who think an oceanic or mountainous landscape isn’t beautiful. However, I am aware that I cannot be certain of whether or not so-called objectively beautiful things or people, evoke the same feelings in everyone.

With that being said, beauty also has to be subjective as it is only based on the perception of the person viewing it.

I was wrong in determining moral superiority between the subjectivity and objectivity of beauty. The two positions are not parallel, they are perpendicular. They collide, every single time.

At times, I think it’d be great if beauty were entirely objective. We could easily stop the obsession with trying to assert ourselves as beautiful because, maybe, some of us just aren’t. Perhaps it would create a level of acceptance, that we aren’t all the same and that it is okay. Maybe we wouldn’t rely on our fleeting feelings and experiences to show us what is, because, it just is what it is.

At times I think it would be great if beauty were entirely subjective. We could imagine beauty as a feeling because looks just aren’t that important. Perhaps we would pedestalize kindness and other great elements of being human. Maybe, we wouldn’t chase a line that seems to be always moving because the line wouldn’t exist at all.

Most times I think life is beautiful. And it is.

Now that I’m ugly, too.